Fuckyou

me, im not a loner. thats just an image i portray. Its no fault of my own. Paranoia made me this way. Insecurity laid the way and the rest came from drugs an booze. The corner stone to insanity. But fuck you.

in the way you ran amuck at christmas and those times mommy wasnt there…..but neglect comes so sneaky and lowlong ago we never would know. She couldnt have known. Did she even think of how lonely i was. My terminal illness is the trillest thing i could use on my way out. But fuck you.

i cry used to. Not much now. I was trapped by memories. Now meth is my numbing tool. The sadness that i lived in. My experiences and misguided yourh. Neglected and abised and trsumatized. Probably had financial stability but no love or emotuonal support in order to blossom and grow. Everything was alwaysscary and sad. Eli. Taylor. Happy. Tsylor be happy please baby. Its not that i didnt love you. I didnt know what i was doing.and im so sorry. I wish there was some explanation for this life. For the things we accidentilly do thay can never be indone by our own strength. Was i insane. Am i. Didnt i love you didnt i try. Here goes more meth before i die. I dont want to sit and cry. So many years have alreaddy wasted byn as i only sat alone to cry. We get over shit snd move on. But out of all of is fornes new idea an new mind. Adaptation to the sense i made of all the chaos. Who would i hear and listen to now. How. When i already figured it out. Wish id been taught. Instead its all wrong. My kids scarred for life. Ill die soon. Im a joke. A hoe. Whore. Slut. Groupie. User. Wanting to be used.

I thought I’d be smart a nerd a loner. Because I was alone and didn’t have any friends to speak of. Maybe I did. No I didn’t really. I had friends like the other nerds. I didn’t embrace them. It was about like saying hi an bye as I passed them. They were the kids whose mom’s were super religious. Or the mom was actually a grandma. There were the ones who barely spoke English. There were the ones who weren’t pare Ted much at all and therefore were misfits by default being as they were unrefined and misguided. I’m in there somewhere. We all are. Well, except the smart guys. The ones whose mom’s an dad’s were smart or pulled it off. Had the know how for some shit like mingling as well as no severe bad habits. The moms and dads who didn’t allow dangerous things near their children. They protected them and adored them. I know money helps to make any home more peaceful. But so do morals. Living in a higher morale is giving respect bk an forth no matter age and or size. It’s something I’ve forgotten, somewhat, exists. It sucks. To think of all the bad stuff in our world. And our community. To think of how I’ve prayed for all these things to be gone and erased. Who God is evades me. Why life is makes me sick and makes me wonder. We were born to be loved and we suffer to be taught.

He yells at me and I feel afraid. If I object his threats are made. He’s insane angry and says it’s my fault. I wanna fix it

He lies and says he loves me. He pretends to like me too. But soon after he is asking for money or my car or he brings girls over to make have sex with. He doesn’t respect me. He doesn’t love me. He justifies these acts within himself by believing I deserve what I get. As if I was after him and I was a horny slut chasing his dick. He knows it’s not true but he pushes thru guilt with more drugs and more drugs.

I can’t call it. Were still over here. Just got home to eat lunch. I’m not gone lie an say I’m grat but eli is ok and im making it. But yeah you had said hey bk some weeks ago. An I wasn’t doing good at allbso I didn’t respond. I figured Karen had maybe called u. Was cool see your name shoot across but it was like a blurry dream you can’t remember
Almost like we were actual friends and had the same age an respect for each other and was not just friends from having been in a hard spot together. LoL. Wow. I love y’all tho. I just always felt as if my boundaries were supposed to change in order to keep others happy and you was all about keeping your boundaries to make sure you happy. LoL. Lord. Maybe meth really took all the good I’m my brain. I get everything wrong. I overreact. Read into shit. Personalize. Focus on insecurites and have intense anxiety and. Boutss of anger. I don’t see shit really as it is..I be off. I can’t stop it. And I act on the insane assumptions or immature feelings I get into. Stay doubting myself.nits a miserable existence. I stopped therapy.ike a fool. I decided I was healed and didn’t need her. Well, mostly I don’t. I mean, my issues aren’t so complex..they’re generally self explanatory. I have trauma and drug abuse induced psychosis of sorts , a state of imbalance an inability to hold onto a single line of thinking based on rational thought. Been screwing my chemical makeup up since I was twelve. Mom an jc were screwing me up before that by a yr. So. it’s just too hard to untangle. Can’t keep it straight. Can’t just take meds an be well. Or even have therapy or a drink or sex or meditate or socialIze and be well. Prayer is the most important. But I dare to say that it’s not gonna keep me in check. Maybe I’ll feel energized and content and I’ll keep the prayer list in my pocket to pray morning noon and night. nah, don’t even believe the hype. I prayed in my soul spirit mind an body…….my mind and my time is mine. I use them at will an have prayed incessantly an without fail in my heart an body and soul for years an years, before I even came to tk, and, it’s always been the same giant let down. I never knew not To take the bible literally, or that ninety percent of change is acquired by forced a effort to not give and to open up and push thru, etc. and sleep. I read it and boy I got I can have a positive attitude all day and do what it says here and I’ll have all things I ask in his will because I will be in his will by being a rule follower and also loving and blah blah jumping hoops hoping for magic and miracles instead of learning to work harder and produce good results in my home by keeping it neat and clean. But the fact and the function is that it’s not supposed to be this way. Where as a woman , I can’t relax my emotions. We have so many naturally but being whacked off is zillions times harder and regular woman don’t get it
Just like babies died in Holocaust, but praise God we didn’t………life’s not made fair and basically makes no sense when you think on it long enough. Too long. Studying it takes away the simple pleasures. But getting over processed makes ya feel out of touch with reality. Even paranoid. Skiddish. Delusional. Unable to enjoy. They say we lose the ability to enjoy things due to a lack of certain chemicals in our brains being depleted by drugs, over drinking, trauma, and stress, etc, but the truth of it is is we lose the veil of protection from knowledge of good an evil. Knowing too damn much about the truth of lifes pain will have you jarred. And awake. So that you can’t shake a loose from what you seen. Knowing is not a light task. But they say delusional and depressed. They say you’re over reacting
And that you’re not balanced. And it isn’t fair to say that because the balance scales will always have to adjust to make room. If you almost take a car account dent lightly and go on about your day because all ended well and you’ve never known suffering. Well that’s balanced for you. But if you have lost your entire family to an accident and you freak out if someone doesn’t come to a full stop at a stop sign…well, that’s balanced for you. Who is to say that the middle ground….the median…..is what’s closest to balanced. If I had seen your monster I’d react to scary shows like you. But I have mine. U have yours. open your mind.

well, i walked into a life of drugs again. i decided to do what i know best. and i still accept changes where i can grow, but i realize my choices arent wrong because someone else thinks so. i was taught racist jokes growing up, that didnt make that shit right. personally, i decided to go with whatever positive vibe and energy flows into and out of me. i bring it in. my world is the thoughts and ideas and beliefs i manifest. and they never have to be explained unless im trying to fit a mold. we have these expectations of each other in life in general, but the story changes when you say it does. open your mind. be aware. know what you truly seek. the universe will conspire to give it to you. be.. just be. you. me. michael will probably marry a lady for her money. will he take eli when i die. will i live ten more years? will karen give us up? daphne did it feels like. i have inevitable limit of life. the drugs prolly dont help, but im not missing mom. im not thinking about my let down with my dad. my sadness about my brothers state of mind. everyone i ever knew. u either made it out or you died, or got locked up. We didnt stand a chance. i dont think about that anymore either. aunt tina and aunt kathy still dont call. amanda is so random. i keep reprogramming. and the more i accept, the more i can handle a new level of understanding. i know what love is. i also know my son is not my comfort and joy. he cannot carry that. i have to love him enough not to let him slide so much. bethany would take him, and spoil him.

momma eula is getting married in may. im excited for her. shes so pretty for 71. pretty is pretty much all we need in the world. hes good. hes kind. hes also by chance, rich. so hes buying her a camry as a wedding gift, and giving me the corolla. little bitty green. ill be able to hit the highway.. see dad…michael, and maybe just have fun. maybe take eli to his big head ass daddy. he needs to keep him a little here and there. i say that, but damn, the mother fucker doesnt respect anybody or anything, so, hed prolly have eli around a bunch different women. who knows what all.

I love my cr groups and going to na online. I’m active in staying sober. Soon I must add in sex and food. ♥️💥🎊

I’m for women’s rights but I’m not for abortion. I’m for God but I am also for gay rights. Everyone so serves a chance for happy. Who are we to stop it and judge it. Let god stole us down
We aren’t doing anything by not allowing it. Only spreading hate. Falling in satan’s snares. I want to serve and be useful but I know I must swallow all’s the pride of life and let it go. Humility lord. I’m for government funded daycare for single and working mother’s. Higher minimum wage. Different energy sources. And less pollution. I’m for green. I’m for everybody getting some and no one being left out. I’m for free housing and free schools. The monopolies divided. The big wealth to charity. The crooks of wall street deleted. Let us be a capitalist

I’m for better choices for all ppl. Not just quality products for those with inherited wealth. Quality for all. And I mean schools. Private and public affordable for all. Rewire the entire system.

I hate this yuck and I’m hurt

i always flick my wrist. high expectattions. i hurt ppl too. im not a victim today i am a volunteer. maybe im too full of shit. always crying and blaming whining and yes have need but wh o am i more than others