Mind

My mind is mushy. My fingers fat tipped. All the typos I don’t correct make me look dumb. My rebellion and anger. Though I refused to stress about what people thought, I stayed consumed by what ppl thought. Not brave but hopeless and fearful. Lost is a stain. I got to a point I didn’t even know it was wrong anymore. I’d revelled so long. Sucks. Ran all my life and never escaped myself.

To see or not to see

Now. I’m telling you I’ll over explain and complain. Ask personal questions. Invading and pushy. Abrupt. Make no sense too when I’m nervous I get anxiety. Start rambling. Weirdo stop whining you make me scream. Lol. I hear alanis singing it. It’s not her song. But whatev. I’m fried up an it’s early. Scared and squirmy. Shamed? Wrong? Drama? Fits? Pity party. Tried to get my way. Like every other adult I know except I wasn’t good at it. No confidence. No trust in myself or my worth. insecure scared tired worried. Mistakes shouldn’t hang on forever. Once you suffer an learn some time s the world won’t let you forget. No relief from your punishment. Maybe. Always assuming and jumping the gun. Ahead of the full picture I’ve caved to fear at the thought. Rage hidden deep inside for so long too long from everyone who ever had me fooled made me fret or were it the begrudged to me for harm I’d ignorantly done to them. It was traumatic.

It may not please you

But I have to voice a thought in order to take it captive. I hate knowing what she does for other moms. Cuz without any details I assume way too much and I’m automatically dejected. Or I mean, the victim. It’s my expectation based on experiences from foundation that grew like roots to a tree. I am rooted in automatically being ready to defend my rights to get what anybody else is getting and to be excused like I perceive they are. I’m learning though. Though it’s still an overwhelming natural reaction I can’t completely stop, I can hold back the breaking damn by reciting my proof that I am 99.9% of the time wrong and 1% unsure /not significant anyway. I still have to ask or accuse…….I working on this too but I’m giving up quicker. Humility. Accepting correction. Respect boundaries. Working on what that looks like so it’s more clear to me in stirring moment…..if I get too upset it’s over with.

Jan 28th

I miss having my computer to do this on. So much easier. Ugh. Lol. Need a damn charger worth a poot. Amazon did finally give me my money bk. Money. Hmph. Sigh. The mistakes. Grudges. Pain. And desires. Where was my head. I guess there’s always the best version of your life to live. No matter what. It’s easy not knowing.

Haunted

They tell me to let go but I cannot seem to be free. Their words mean nothing. The past haunts me. I don’t hold onto it. It finds me. I dream of it. Flashes of memories come upon me in the day. No. I am not the one holding on. You don’t know what haunts me.

Monsters. Needles. Desperation. Whore. Lonely. Sad. Suicide. She was met with contempt for her sadness. The girl talked so much. Abandoned. Raped. Molested. Ignored. Scared. Sad. Unstable. Never launched. Handicapped. It’s hard. Foundation unstable.

Bad habits

I really can’t afford to smoke or drink because they’re downers and I’m too easily depressed. I had a very traumatic childhood and young adult life. Mainly childhood. Lots of drugs in twenties to escape. Now with cancer the medicine I take makes me chemically down. So I take antidepressants. Life’s is so stressful though. And I smoke cigarettes some but the cancer meds make my lungs weak. I try not to turn to food or sex because it can very dangerous. I don’t have the bank account to spend. So I have to deal. And I lack faith. I have a baby that is two an he is innocent and he tries me on everything. I fail so bad to make it easy but man it’s so much harder afterwards because I’ve taught him to be that way
and to top it off I’ve started stealing to take away the urge to fuck

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